Today I sat in Freddie’s room and played the story of Dan Baker, Twin Lakes Church, Santa Cruz pastor, for him but of course he already knows. I did not therefore, I would suppose it was for me.
Today I wondered many things:
Are you tired, God? I am.
What is right? I have so many things wrong with me maybe you goofed up when you sent me down here.
When does the pain go away? Never? Yes never, you say.
What did I do that was so bad that Freddie had to suffer? Why not me?
Could you just punch my card now? I have so much to write, to throw away that I am overwhelmed and I know that when you die so many things are left undone that is why I subtitled my blog Bits and Pieces of Life.
Today I have been dealing with those bits and pieces.
Silence cloaks the room
with silver gossamer thoughts
Telling earth and sky
You walk not the earth
You walk the sky.
purpleborough 
God doesn’t goof up, nor does He make junk. I know it may seem like it because you lost a child, the worst pain anyone could ever have to endure. Parents believe they should be able to fix anything for their child. Well, at least good parents do. And when you couldn’t fix this and lost him, the guilt must’ve been enormous. You’ve had lucid moments where you understand the bigger picture better, and those will return. No, the pain doesn’t go away. Somehow people just learn to live with it and go on with their lives. My heart is with you.
I can’t remember, did you ever try a support group for parents who’ve lost children? I wish you had someone nearby to talk to, although I understand wanting to be alone sometimes, too.
Aren’t you traveling to stay in the northeast soon?
LikeLiked by 1 person
No, I isolated myself. My friends did not know what to say and made things worse by saying nothing. Then I became a caregiver for my sister and her husband. He died. She does not like to talk about these things so we just go on. I plan to go to Boston as soon as I can. I have to see two doctors this week. Then go back to do some things at my farm in MS and hopefully make it to Boston before Thanksgiving.
There are some days I just feel sorry for myself, usually Sundays.
Thank you for responding with a reminder I have been better.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, the pain will go away.
LikeLike
Thank you Anneli. Those words are encouraging.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pain go away? I don’t think so; it’s always in the recesses/creases of the mind. Yet joy remains as we look at the beauty of the world and focus on the love around us rather than what’s missing.
Linda, I’m sorry that I’m one who was silent and maybe expected you to “just know” that my heart was/is breaking for you and your loss. Again I projected my needs onto you – for me, iti’s enough to have someone there; no need for words. I”ll try to speak.
LikeLike
In the beginning, having a person to sit with me in the silence was enough and all that I wanted.
Time changes needs and now I think I need both…the silence and the words not of miracles or God but what is the afterlife. I have heard about faith, hope, and love. Those are not sufficient. Churches have no answers for me. Nature and animals, music and poems make a difference…and just writing my thoughts.
Thank you for your words.
LikeLike