Rain

rain falling gently now

I do not sleep

Freddie said “I love to hear the rain” and I said “I do too.”

To walk through his house again to smell the smell of his house and the redwood trees to visualize him pushing his walker down the hall stopping briefly at the living room door where I slept on the couch to say “Mom I am sorry about the things I said last night.” and I would answer “I am sorry as well for my behavior. I love you.” and he would go into the kitchen to make his breakfast or take his medicine.

To see him feed his worms; work in his tomato pots on the gorgeous deck, in the sun; eat watermelon with his friend, Ron, who came for an hour each Wednesday. He did not have many visitors dropping by because of his illness.

I wish I had not said “Stop playing with your phone and try to sleep”

The phone was his connection to the world; I should have known because it was my connection to the world as well, then as now. Oh, that hind sight could be zero and present sight could be 20/20.

to hear him call me during the night “Mom, I am going to be sick”

to hold the basin and clean it after he vomited

to pull up the syringes for him even though I simple could not bring myself to give him the shot, rescue shot, in the abdomen. I wish I could have but it hurt me to much to think about it. My fear of hurting him. He hated giving himself the shop but he needed it to live.

i could have learned on an orange.

I must tell all the stories before I forget.  I have to write my way through this if I am going to live.

Mouse in the House

Today I caught a mouse. No, that is not right.

Today, a sticky trap put down last night, had a mouse stuck to it.

I woke at 5 and thought it too early to get up officially, but remembered the sticky trap and got up to see if the trap had induced a poor mouse into the black square.

Turning the light on; holding my breath, I stared at the trap. Yes, there was a mouse thrashing about getting more stuck!

What to do? A quick decision was made. Go back to bed and sleep until a normal hour arrived to get up and surely the mouse would have a heart attack and die.

Back to bed. My eyes popped wide open. I could not go to sleep and leave a mouse alive in my kitchen.

What to do? My neighbor had just caught four in her house and was washing everything in sight. She gets up early, I thought. Yes, I would text her and ask her what to do.

I texted her.

Wait.

Finally an answer came. She suggested throwing paper bags over it and wait until after church and we would do something then. She did not say what the “something” was going to be.

So, yes, I got up and got dressed for church. I felt a little hungry however the question was could I go in the kitchen with the stuck mouse; throw paper bags on it to cover it up and then prepare breakfast.

I sat down in the family room and thought about this. In good conscience I did not think I could carry out these trappings of normalcy. There was nothing normal about this morning. Never in all my years have I awakened the find a stuck mouse in my kitchen. Not only that but he looked at me. How could I cover a live mouse; prepare food and eat; go to church in good faith with a stuck mouse alive in my kitchen?

Well, I thought, no one is coming to see me who would not be afraid of a mouse; my daughter is miles away; my son died and he is probably up in heaven laughing at me and my live stuck mouse problem.

Therefore, I screwed up my courage; passed through the kitchen to the garage and retrieved the mop bucket.

Tiptoed back into the kitchen so as not to scare the little stuck mouse; filled the bucket with water and put it on the floor.

Under the sink were my yellow rubber gloves so I opened up the cabinet and got out my gloves.

How do you pick up a sticky mouse trap without becoming stuck? And by now the mouse is watching me with some curiosity.

Did I have the heart to drown the mouse? It had dropped poop all over my counter and stove top but maybe it was just hungry. Could I then eat and go to church feeling good about murdering the baby mouse?

So without thinking to much longer because time was running out to eat and go to church and tine was running out for the poor baby mouse.

Putting on the gloves, I gingerly folded the second half of the sticky mouse trap over on to the mouse. He squirmed around trying to get loose, his eyes frantic. I quickly dropped him into the bucket and strangely enough watched as he tried to stay afloat to no avail. The squirming stopped.

I did not eat breakfast. I forgot I had made coffee and I proceeded to church.

Fast forward.

A minister whom I had never met before came over and spoke to my neighbor and me. He asked how we were doing and after a few nothing sentences about nothing I asked him if he would pray for my mouse.

He said he and his wife had the same problem, that is a mouse in the house; that the sticky pads had not worked for him but I think he indicated that they trapped the mouse and either broke the neck; threw it in the trash alive and other inhuman actions toward their mouse. I promptly told him he was not helping and asked him to again pray for me and the mouse.

He never answered.

What do you do with a live stuck mouse on a sticky pad in your kitchen early on a Sunday morning?

Fog

Recently I heard a statement I really liked.

“I will wrap myself in a blanket of fog and go…”

And so I go…wrapped in a blanket of fog

No one can see me

Invisible

Wrapped in a blanket of fog.