Yesterday

was a really different day. I saw an old friend whom I love dearly. Another friend helped me with scanning in 678mg of data to a CD. A senator’ s office was not staffed. Mailed  off relevant updated material to a government agency.  And then I broke. I ranted for about 30 minutes. It was as if the atoms had split the universe and there was so much sorry and blood and grief that I just broke.

My son is never coming back nor are 59 other souls going to go home. It makes my sorrow grow exponentially. Before I would have watched in horror but not have felt such devastating sorrow not only for me but also for all we have lost as a nation.

i wanted to cut down the trees, rip out the grass, destroy all the work I had down in my yard. Nothing mattered. There was no rhyme nor reason to my rant, there was only a huge hole reaching from here to eternity but I could not pass through. I felt trapped in ny body. I just wanted out.

i have no family here, maybe 2 friends, the rest would be passing acquaintances. You cannot go home again. You cannot turn off the memories. You do not like revisionist history. I know my truth. Some seem to rewrite that truth. My memories are flooding back in and it is just too much. I do not want to remember, I just want to go wherever I can find the answers to WHY.

I would not always choose to be alone but must days I am good with the silence of my home. I know there is no one coming or calling. I do what has to be done and eventually I will find a purpose.

I talk to Freddie every day, all day. I have to finish his story or my version of what happened last year, but first I have to find the glue that will hold me together to do so.

Life killed all my dreams. I killed all my dreams. My dreams are all gone. Where is the dreamer now? Where are the dreams?

My world changed forever last year. There is no way to change it back.

Dreams, memories, worlds within worlds and one lost soul crying in the wilderness of concrete roads and glass buildings.

10 thoughts on “Yesterday”

      1. I gathered that. I was wondering if he was a victim of the Vegas shootings, based on other things mentioned in this post. If you’d rather not discuss this, feel free to ignore my comment.

        All the best.

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        1. No he died from neuroendocrine cancer of the ileum in December 2016. I do not mind your asking. Parts of his story already appears on thus blog, if you are interested. I am reliving memories from last year. Thank you for your comment.

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  2. Voice your thoughts. Heh. I just realized that is what you have for people to comment, and boy, you certainly would be sorry if I voiced all of my thoughts. They’re never ending. It’s actually good that you ranted to get it out. Your emotions are near the surface all the time now, and the Vegas tragedy allowed them to spill over. You will always grieve your son, and the first couple of years are the hardest. If I might say one thing, the past seems to be your companion these days. It may be temporary due to the grieving, but if there are things you need to work through from the past, it’s a thought to talk to someone. I did, and it was my best decision ever. If you ever decide you’d like to try a counselor, let me know and I’ll share some ideas on what I did to find one. In the mean time, it’s good to write things down as you are doing. I know talking to someone actually helped me to sort through jumbled thoughts and emotions, and writing it out can do the same.

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      1. I think posting them is good. It’s good to release it out there into cyberspace, if you feel like it. They are also very poetic and someone might come across them that needs to see they are not alone.

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