I was the last patient to leave Clearview Cancer on my first visit there. When I exited the building, the rain had cleared and a rainbow greeted me!
Smooth stones whispering
Only children can hear while
I want to live in
The South of France where sunflower
Faces wave in the wind.
There is good news!
Normal activity within the brain, kidneys, ureters and bladder with normal bowel activity and no evidence of abdominal aortic aneurysm with no visual acute intraabdominal abnormality.
Other findings…or lmpressions…
The Impressions used words like ominous, contemplated, possibilities….there were three areas…
Here is my take….
1. I have acid reflux which has not been treated and the activity within the esophageal region, in two places, means I should lay off the Tums and be treated properly for this inflammation.
2. Same as above…mentioning an adjacent lymph node, possibly.
3. This was related to the pancreatic mass. The possibilities for this were…
….could reflect a pancreatic neoplasm
….an enlarged metastatic lymph node (could be considered)
….lymphoma or gastrointestinal stromal cell tumor might be considered
….an atypical pancreatic neoplasm such as mucinous neoplasm such as mucinous cysadenocarcinoma might be considered as well
Don’t you love all those words!
This did little to inform me of what might “possibly” be running amuck here.
It did say I was alive and had some “hot”places in my body that needs some attention. That is my take away.
Maybe the next test will clarify and identify what may be wrong. Having a slow growing pancreatic mass was new but a long-standing spot on my right lung and heartburn is not knew. I think leaving my lung alone would be wise, treating my heartburn would make my life more pleasant and substantiating the status of the mass would be good.
On the 19th I will have what is called an EUS with ultrasound. This is where they sedate you, drop a light into your abdominal cavity, look around at the esophageas and stomach as well as performing a needle biopsy of the pancreatic mass.
I then will have enough time to prepare for Thanksgiving with family in Boston.
The oncologist will call with results. That is good because my daughter can listen to what he has to say!
I was disappointed with the PET scan results. Perhaps I expected too much. The doctor and I spent time talking about the fundraiser he particaped in to help raise money for children in need in our area. He won…not because of his dance skills 😏 folk voted for each participant by donating…there are a lot of cancer patients who voted and the organization raised $300,000. to help the children.
He presented the results. I think I said, so we do not know conclusive information so we proceed on from here. I had to go, I stated. It was getting dark and I cannot see to drive in the dark. I laughingly said, “you do not want to lose your favorite cancer patient to an automobile accident.” He said that was not going to happen.
I drove on invisible roads knowing intellectually they were there and trusting my car knew the way home.
Yesterday was a busy day. Becoming manic on Saturday, identifying everything and whom it came from for about an hour, tired and then laughing at myself, I questioned the activity with “Does this really matter?” It seemed important. Was it really important? Therefore, I stopped and settled in for a rather nice Saturday doing my usual things of cleaning and putting things away. Target had the fleece leggings and tops I wanted to take to Boston for Thanksgiving and the days before Christmas I would be there, just in case it was cold. Sunday, I wanted to pack some more of my mother and father’s things. It is time and one of those tasks that I had been trying to get ’round to’ for a couple of years.
Today after drinking coffee and having some of those little round chocolate donuts, I turned off the T.V. I wanted to think of how my life is now and remember. The results from the PET Scan will be known before the day is over.
The questions that run through my mind range from will it make a difference in what I do? to will I be given the time to finish all these tasks I have put off doing that I want to get done? Will I have time to write that best selling novel? or that simple book of verse?
Is it important that my children know what was my mother’s? my grandmother’s? what I received at a wedding shower when I married their Dad? are those important things? I thought they were. I wanted them to know. They do not come here often, therefore, they have not lived with these things and do not know. On Sunday, while putting away my mother’s things, I felt rather wistful remembering seeing them as I grew up because Mother always used her things. Sadly, I had not always used the pretty things I had. I was saving them for what? my children? a bigger house? a special day? what?
We, their dad and I, did give parties and I used some of the things then; I broke some and have given some of the items to my son but not my daughter. She wants to wait until her new home is built; however, my son’s wife does not want anything for our home because she has her mother’s things. I hope he has a place in his home office that he can keep a few family things, if this makes him happy.
Did it make me happy to have these things? The answer is not an easy one. There were times when having not only my things but also my mother’s and grandmother’s items made the clutter overwhelming and I wanted it all packed away. Now that I am packing it away, there are these mixed feelings.
Is it because I do not know how long I will live? None of us know the answer to this. Having said this for years, I think “What a hypocrite I am.” I say these things and believe them but do I really BELIEVE them. Intellectually I do; I know that we are given a certain amount of days and then we move on to another level of being. If we have finished our tasks here on earth, then we can move to a higher level of being and not have to come back to finish up any more tasks. I always wanted to finish my tasks, so I would not have to come back, but alas, there were times when I hurt folk or did mean things and I think “Oh dear, this will come back to me and I will have to return again and do this all over…the pain of living and dying…all over again.”
No, I am not affiliated with any religious organization because I believe that those big ostentatious churches are just big business and if one does not take their God in with them they will certainly not find a God there. When pushed I say I am Catholic, but I really do not think I am. I was very disappointed in Pope Francis, in whom I had placed so much faith, with his visit to America and the choices he made; the people he decided to see and those he left out. He is another politician more frightening than the other Pope’s because he comes in sheep’s clothing, so to speak.
There are those of you who will not like my views. That is really the way it should be. If you are a thinker; if you have belief’s different from mine, this is the way America was meant to be. It is called Freedom. I am not trying to convert you to my way of thinking and am not trying to offend anyone. These are simply my views and the way I live my life. I believe in a higher being. Is it Buddha? Is it the Dali Lama? is it Jesus? For me it is all of them and none of them. It is the Universe that decides in the final analysis, so I honor each leaf, each blade of grass, each tree…ah trees I love and flowers…the animals…all the glories of this earth. Do I want to go somewhere else? That is not for me to decide. There is so much unrest and unkindness in the world today that I am hoping that the place I go to will be a kinder, gentler place with all my favorite people and animals there.
So the hours before I find out what a report states, I wonder about many things but also know that a report is simply that: a report. It does not define my way of living or the length of my days.
― Marcus Aurelius
Egg and bacon at 5:30 is not very good. Decaf coffee tolerable.
Bathed and dressed. No underwear as such because I wanted to be reallllll comfortable; old sweats (meaning I do not have any new sweats) my moms undershirt, an old white shirt, not ironed, socks and sandals (how tacky). I did make my hair look o.k. This took maybe 30 minutes at best.
I get anxious when I have to wait for a procedure which entails a needle stick.
Today was no different. The scan was not until 12:10 so I had to amuse myself for 5 hours. I read emails; Facebook; catalogs and wished the time would pass.
I was so hungry by 11 when Kathy came in her red VW to get me, I asked her if she had something to eat. She laughs at me and says “later” so off we go. Arrived on time; checked in; had to go to bathroom again because of all the water I had yesterday; sat in hard chairs and waited.
I knew they were looking for me when I saw the puzzled look on the nurses face as she tried to pronounce my last name. Gave my purse and water to Kathy and got up laughing and said “I know it is me because of not knowing how to pronounce my name.” I then pronounced it for her and the door closed behind us. She asked if I needed to go to the bathroom and I said I had just gone a few minutes ago.
We went into this green room (sale on green paint for all medical facilities) where she explained what she was going to do. I had a really nice comfortable leather recliner to sit in. We discussed my tiny rolling veins. She looked; came back after calling lab and switching out the 4 big tubes for smaller ones and then sat back down. I closed my eyes and told her I would pray that she hit the vein the first time and that I was going to the farm in MS. She was finished by the time I had gotten to the pond to sit down.
She flushed it with saline; injected some ativan ( I had decided to be claustrophobic) and said someone else would be in to inject the radioactive meds. This kind nurse was Teresa. She said she had stuck folk for over 30 years and I said that I had heard that only the very best worked at the Cancer Center.
She left and Alana came in with a metal box; Teresa came back with ear plugs (loud talking at the desk) and a warm blanket. By the time we had the blanket arranged Alana had finished with the radioactive solution in the IV tube. She said I might feel a little warm but that did not happen. She had to close the door because of the radiation I now had inside of me. The walls were radioactive proof. I had the lights turned off; earplugs in and could pull the cord if I needed anything. I decided to just go to sleep for the hour. I rested but did not sleep making sure I was on my side most of the time because I knew I would be on my back during the scan.
I pulled the cord once. Teresa came and I said “My blanket is shivering.” She asked, “Is the person underneath shivering, too.” I said “yes” so she brought another warm blanket.
Then it was time for the scan which Alana did. It was not claustrophobic at all and I did not need the ativan to keep calm. The scan lasted 20 minutes. During this time I had revisited in my mind, our old house, the cemetery, my two grandmothers houses; and 2 aunts houses. I walked each room and tried to remember what was in each room and was surprised at how much I could remember.
Then it was over. Kathy was in the waiting room. We left and headed to the nearest good diner which was Blue Plate Cafe. I had Southern Fried Catfish with mashed potatoes and gravy and green beans with two desserts…banana pudding and coconut pie. Did I eat it all? No, I brought most of it home.
Kathy had Southern Fried Chicken with the same sides except the coconut pie. Arrived home right after 3. Called my sister and my daughter. Daughter not home so left message. Also called Susan. Ann, a friend called, and Chris texted. So all in all a really nice day.
Did we laugh? We did. Teresa and Kathy over the “shivering blanket statement” and Kathy at all the food I ordered knowing I could never eat that much.
The results will be in on Monday. So nothing to say except that procedure is in the books.
Peace until then. I have lots to do so will be busy.