Freddie was a handicapped child from birth. That is an established fact. Did we treat him as such? No. He was treated as if he were normal, whatever that means. Did this comfort me that I had been singled out by a God who thought I had special strength to bear this burden? I did not feel privileged; neither did I understand why God had chosen me for this task. Every year thousands of families have children born with a handicap…I wonder if they understand why and feel privileged.
Freddie was bullied in school yet he rose above that and became more than the bullies would ever become. He made a choice to live his life in a way that set him apart from not only his family but also his friends. I doubt anyone truly understood him, his talents, his moods and his depression. I did not, however I did accept and love him unconditionally. So many days now I have tried to live my life backward to try to unlock the mystery called Freddie.
Well meaning persons have said to me things like I know this is painful for you but you will get through it because God never sends more than you can bear. He knows your strength; and my mind is inwardly screaming.: If only I were a weaker person Freddie would still be alive.
Perhaps there is another view or another question that needs to be asked. Take God out of the equation. Intellectually we know that we all die. We all want to believe that there is a better place, another world where all suffering and pain ends and we are made whole again. Is there a world like this? We hope so, but there is no living person who knows the absolute reality of this hope and where this other world is. Perhaps it is in another galaxy. Perhaps it is in the air around us, a flower, a butterfly, a cardinal, an Alaskan Husky.
Here is what we do know. The physical body dies and decays after death. I believe that each of us have a unique soul that is not a physical part of us and cannot die. What does this soul look like? I do not know. Do they look like our loved ones? I do not know. Will we recognize each other? Will we be the same age? Where are all these souls? Do they just hangout waiting for the resurrection or do they go immediately to heaven? And where is heaven?
I want to ask Delta if I can purchase a ticket to Heaven. I have not finished my conversations with Freddie
God does not cause all these bad things to happen to us nor does he single us out. I think he stands ready to help us cope but first we have to move beyond all the anger, guilt and rage before He can help us. We have to stop asking “Why, God, did you do this to my beloved son? How could you be so cruel?”
I will keep reading. Meditating. Talking to the universe. Hugging trees. Planting flowers. Watching cardinals and butterflies. Watching for the white feathers as signs that angels are near and maybe one day I can live among the world of people again. I do not know. I have not decided or chosen a path as yet.