give me strength not to scream

Freddie was a handicapped child from birth. That is an established fact. Did we treat him as such? No. He was treated as if he were normal, whatever that means. Did this comfort me that I had been singled out by a God who thought I had special strength to bear this burden? I did not feel privileged; neither did I understand why God had chosen me for this task. Every year thousands of families have children born with a handicap…I wonder if they understand why and feel privileged.

Freddie was bullied in school yet he rose above that and became more than the bullies would ever become. He made a choice to live his life in a way that set him apart from not only his family but also his friends. I doubt anyone truly understood him, his talents, his moods and his depression. I did not, however I did accept and love him unconditionally. So many days now I have tried to live my life backward to try to unlock the mystery called Freddie.

Well meaning persons have said to me things like I know this is painful for you but you will get through it because God never sends more than you can bear. He knows your strength; and my mind is inwardly screaming.: If only I were a weaker person Freddie would still be alive.

Perhaps there is another view or another question that needs to be asked. Take God out of the equation. Intellectually we know that we all die. We all want to believe that there is a better place, another world where all suffering and pain ends and we are made whole again. Is there a world like this? We hope so, but there is no living person who knows the absolute reality of this hope and where this other world is. Perhaps it is in another galaxy. Perhaps it is in the air around us, a flower, a butterfly, a cardinal, an Alaskan Husky.

Here is what we do know. The physical body dies and decays after death. I believe that each of us have a unique soul that is not a physical part of us and cannot die. What does this soul look like? I do not know. Do they look like our loved ones? I do not know. Will we recognize each other? Will we be the same age? Where are all these souls? Do they just hangout waiting for the resurrection or do they go immediately to heaven? And where is heaven?

I want to ask Delta if I can purchase a ticket to Heaven. I have not finished my conversations with Freddie

God does not cause all these bad things to happen to us nor does he single us out. I think he stands ready to help us cope but first we have to move beyond all the anger, guilt and rage before He can help us. We have to stop asking “Why, God, did you do this to my beloved son? How could you be so cruel?”

I will keep reading. Meditating. Talking to the universe. Hugging trees. Planting flowers. Watching cardinals and butterflies. Watching for the white feathers as signs that angels are near and maybe one day I can live among the world of people again. I do not know. I have not decided or chosen a path as yet.

8 thoughts on “give me strength not to scream

  1. Hi Linda. Ditto what Bonnie Blogger said. This IS a brilliant post. I love that you didn’t treat Freddie as if he had any kind of disadvantage. He certainly excelled in life despite it.

    It’s unimaginable why people still say, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” It should be well-known by now it isn’t a comforting phrase, but in fact, quite the contrary.

    I’m not sure why, but while I was reading this post, a book that I had read many years ago popped into my head. It’s only lightly related to what you wrote. The book is called, “How Good do we Have To Be?” by Rabbi Harry Kushner. He is the same author of the book, “Why do Bad Things Happen to Good People?” In the first title I mentioned, Kushner talks about what he thinks really happened in the Garden of Eden. I really loved his hypothesis/interpretation. It helped me to understand why this world has duality, that includes pain and sorrow.

    Hope you had a nice weekend. Have a great week.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wonderful post, Linda, and what struck a chord is your paragraph about God not causing bad things to happen. My daughter who is now 26 was diagnosed with a rare auto-immune liver disease five years ago. I’ll spare you the details, but it was daunting to learn. Since then, she can function normally, but now and then the symptoms surface and it’s heart-wrenching. The only cure is a liver transplant in the future and the “when” is unknown.
    She can’t even get on the list until she has about 6 months to live. Whenever she’s suffering with the symptoms, it hurts my husband and I physically and emotionally. It is a feeling of helplessness (kind of like dread) that we’ve never known. Anyway, we’ve always had our faith, but it has waned. I can’t lie. We wonder why this happened to her, a beautiful, always smiling young lady, but also because of the world, and what happens to others. Some people have endured tragedy that is so unimaginable that the phrase of God not putting more on their plate than they can handle has become a bit unbelievable in itself.
    Freddie was lucky to have such a loving mother. Thanks for sharing your story and for listening to mine, not for sympathy, though, but to tie into what you wrote.
    ~Lauren ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lauren, thank you for voicing your story. I cannot walk in your shoes, however, I can say it was truly a soul breaker to hold my son as he died. Yet it was also comforting because I was there and could talk to him even after he stopped breathing because the brain lives on for a little while. Your daughter would want you to talk with her about all that you are feeling. I think it would mean she is not alone in her thoughts. Just my opinion. It is so cruel she has to wait until it is almost to late. Something must change in our healthcare system. Please feel free to write at any time.
      Linda.bourgeois@gmail.com
      I will remember her as I read to Freddie each night…we are reading the Bible and other books on the care of the soul.
      Scream at God if it will make you feel better. I did.
      Hopeful thoughts sent to your family. Linda

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I can only imagine what you’ve been through, as well, Linda. We as a family talk all the time, although, she doesn’t want sympathy. Nor does she want to burden us while she’s living at home. But my husband told her again recently that we are here for her, so even though we can’t physically feel her pain, we feel it emotionally and don’t want her to feel she’s going through this alone. When she moves out this year, I may need support. But she has to pursue her dreams, too, and live each day. Thanks so much for your email. I couldn’t remember if you already knew. And thank you for your touching words of remembering her while reading to Freddie. Believe me, we’ve already screamed at God, and I don’t think the last time will be the last time, either. Hugs to you…

        Liked by 1 person

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