The Beginning of the end, October 1

He left for Denver today, a year ago.

I wish I had gone with him but he did not want me to go. I had worked tirelessly to get him this appointment and pissed off a few people in the process. His father would meet him in Denver. I had put so much hope that Dr Liu could save him. He had said he could. It was a horrible trip except maybe Liu did give him some extra time by changing him from one injection to a different one.

I cannot sleep but neither can I write this very long story which ends with his death. I just know that October everything changed and he rapidly declined.

The hospital was a nightmare. I fought with everyone. I wanted him to be healed; to have his transplant, to understand I was fighting for his very life, not to embarrass him. I questioned, I ranted, I complained and the doctors really did not like me, nor did my son like me. But I fought on. In my head I still fight knowing I might have gotten more done had I not fought the system so dramatically. I took to Twitter; doctors were angry. I was angry. Yet the story….and why.

I need to sleep. I went to bed at 10 and it is now 2. Just like it was a year ago. Freddie and I did not sleep the night before he left.

4 thoughts on “The Beginning of the end, October 1

  1. All of this seems to me to be a blaming of self. We all have our time. No one makes it out of here alive, and when that time comes, there is nothing and no one that can keep our hearts ticking. Even Jesus accepted when his time had come. Why didn’t his mother, Mary, do something to save him? Why didn’t she offer herself up to the Pharisees and the Romans for slaughter in place of her son? Such an evil woman for not doing so! Is she to blame for his death? Are we to blame for his death? No. For me, his death was not about death and sacrifice, but about LIFE. By returning, he showed all of us that we never die. We live on for eternity. Your son is alive and well, living in a blissful heaven. He is no longer in pain or suffering, just as Jesus showed he no longer suffered when he returned. The thing is, you can no longer touch your son, or hug him. In that emptiness of his presence, you feel that he no longer exists. It’s hard to believe he is somewhere else, because you can’t even hear his voice. But, he exists on another plain that is unable to rich you. He forgives and he loves you. He hopes that one day, you will find peace and forgive yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A wonderful response and very helpful on this lonely Sunday evening. I believe he is alive and well in a blissful heaven. I am so grateful he is no longer in pain. I will look forward to one day forgiving myself and believing that he has forgiven me and loves me.

      Thank you for the “kick in my whining tutu.” Bless you for taking time to respond.

      Hope your Mom is having a great Sunday🙂. I bet she is.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hehe. We brought my mom to her grandsons football games yesterday. She is having trouble with her own daughter-in-law (DIL). This DIL is not crazy like yours, but she is rude as hell to my mom and me. She said something rude to my mom yesterday and completely ignored the both of us from there. She doesn’t like us, but she puts up with us for her sons. Sometimes I just want to tell her what a bitch she is. So far I’ve kept my mouth shut. We shall see for how long. 😛

        Thank you for taking my comment in the spirit for which it was meant. Sending my love. Off to walk Max now before it gets too dark.


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