What is it all about? We choose what to make meaningful in our lives.
Daddy in the end would walk through the house with his work boots on, feet swollen, saying “I have to get control”. I now wish I had asked “Control of what?” Perhaps it was fear. Perhaps it was the excruating pain from the bone cancer that was progressing up through all his organs leaving his brain last.
Before the last two weeks of his life, he went into the woods and found the biggest oak tree and cut it down by himself and then split the logs for firewood for mother. Daddy said he would miss the fire.
He wanted me to tell him what would happen at the end. I think he thought I really knew. Part of what I told him was true; he would either go into a coma when the cancer ate his brain cells and live in a vegetate state or he would die immediately. He wanted the latter. I also said that someone would come for him. I told him to go with them, not to look back but walk straight ahead. Do not look back.
In the early morning hours, he died, he kept insisting that someone was at the hospital window. My sister did not know what I had told him and assured him no one was there. I wish I had been there to find out who came for him and then maybe I would know that there is an afterlife. Is there an afterlife? We are told there is, but how do we really know?
So I guess I told Daddy the truth; did I tell Freddie the truth? No, I made it up but they were the only words that came. I told him that God’s computer network had gone down and that he had chosen him to fix the system for him because he also needed his beautiful voice for his choir; two angels got into a squabble and one walked off leaving a vacancy that only his voice could fill.” I told him to go and help God. He needed him and that even though I would miss him, I would be ok. I had always taken care of myself.
I knew I would never be ok. I knew that my world shifted from looking for a some miracle to save him to being lost at not having him, even though I never really knew the adult man he had grown into nor did I understand a number of things that happened during his lifetime.
Why did he die? What was it all about? How do I go on living in this world without my son?