How to be

How to live the remainder of my life searching for answers on how to be. Searching for who I am, going through old journals and photographs to find  out who I once was; what happened in my childhood; after my siblings left, the cold quietness of the once warm home filled with news from my siblings life. 

I think we were all outliers in our own way. Hearing that my father had cancer sent a warning bell through me; was this the beginning of the end of this family.? What am I suppose to do? To feel? How do I prepare to go on without him? August 1990 brought the end to his suffering. He tried to tell me that their was something wrong with mom. He did not know how to put it in medical terms. He just knew something was different.

Next my mom with her deteriotiang mind; the same person, the personality different, yet she knew all of us. Was it really Dementia? Or perhaps a tumor? No one ever did an X-ray or CatScan,  so how do we really know? May 1995 she left in the night.

October 1990, My niece’s car ran under a log truck; 1996 my 2 brothers died 6 months apart; July and December 24. 

Death seemed to be gleefully taking all that I loved…23 friends one year but the worst was yet to come in 2016 as I watched my son slowly wither away without close family around him except for me. I was afraid; I am sure he was afraid. We were not good at communicating our emotions. Never had been. 

Now I am left wondering how to live this disjointed lonely life.