Hospitialist Doctors

First, I would like to hear your story and/or experience with one of these “new” additions to hospitals. Mine, as a mom, was far from good at Dominican Hospital in Santa Cruz County, CA.

My opinion, is that a Dr. Hannah, expedited my son’s death to get rid of me, therefore I feel not only guilty but also very angry.

One day or the same day when she read my son’s Advanced Directive, he died. The Charge Nurse, Linda, asked me if he had one. I said he did and gave her a copy. In his Advanced Directive he had written in that as long as his brain was alive he was to be kept alive. This was not followed. 

She, Dr. Hannah, called me out to tell me he was dying but I said that there was a team of doctors working on getting him transferred to a facility to bulk him up from his 104 pounds to a reasonable weight so that his liver could be ablated and could get him ready for a multiviseral transplant which had been successfully performed before in Miami. We had waited all week to hear where he would go next. She came in , not up to date on anything, and changed everything, just like all the previous weekend doctors. 

She spoke with him without me in the room so I do not know what she told him.

That morning the RN had tried to give him his medication before going off duty. His esphoghus was constricted so he needed really warm tea to open it as much as possible but I had not been up to get this task done hiwever, all the nurses knew that this was needed. The medication got stuck and he choked until I handed him the suction tool to suck out the object. He never recovered. They brought in the respiratory team to warm the oxygen but this seemed to burn his lungs so even though they changed the level of heat, it was removed. His oxygen level was set at five; this did not seem extremely high to me but when Respiratory left and a nurse started to turn the oxygen level up she, this Dr. Hannah,  shook her head and they stopped.

In my head, all I can hear is him saying over and over, “please help me, please help me” . I did not know what to do; went to find help but no one did anymore for him so I watched him die from waking up at around 7 a.m. until 3 p.m. I knew they were letting him die. I knew they wanted me out because they were afraid of a malpractice suit which was not my intent. I wanted them to give him the best medical treatment to keep him alive. That was the reason for all my verbal rants.

We propped him up in bed. I was not strong enough to hold him up but sat behind him and pushed with all my strength to keep him as straight as possible and felt my heart breaking.

 Cindy, an RN, sat beside him most of the day. I was trying to call family so there were times I was out of the room to call or to cry and then get myself together before going back in.

Sentences he said that day:

Too little, too late

Like Steve Jobs, I over analyzed,

I should have just gotten a job flipping hamburgers.

I want to be buried by Pa Lad.

I love you.

Call…. ask them to pray…..Chris, Tammy……And others. Dennis was calling everyone. I called his Dad and said he could hear and I can tell you what he is saying which was “I love you. I love you, I love you”. I called his sister and my sister and then I put my arm around his shoulders, holding him as gently as possible as he put his head on my left shoulder and died. I held him for a little while but when the fluids escaped from his mouth, I knew his body had released his soul and he was gone from this physical realm.

There is one more thing that happened that day, I knew that I needed to give him permission to go so I said, “God told me his computers were down and he needed you to come home and fix them and to add to his troubles two angels got into a squabble and one walked  off and your voice is the voice he needs. I will be o.k. God needs you. You go and be with God. I promise to move back home so I will be close to you and Daddy,” He did say, “We will be home for dinner” and sort of smiled. His brain was alive. I let him die; that doctor killed him. He said very little to nothing after that,

I should have tried harder; I am angry with the doctor, that hospital, God and the wife who walked off and left him to die alone and emotionally abused him for years.

How do I let all this go? What do I do now? They all deserve to die a horrible death, is my opinion, as do I.

Forgiving them does not take away the anger.

This is only part of the story.

5 thoughts on “Hospitialist Doctors”

  1. I know that you feel such a loss of control to fix things. He wasn’t supposed to go before you. No children are supposed to go before their parents. Unfortunately, sometimes they do. I wish I could help you to let go of the anger and guilt. We want to be in control of everything, but sometimes, we simply aren’t. Is there a lesson that can be learned here? I learned so much from my infertility and one miscarriage by looking inward and reading lots and lots and lots of spiritual books. I needed answers. I was angry. You don’t think I cussed out God after my miscarriage? I know it can’t compare to actually losing a grown child, but what is it the Universe is telling us from tragedies? I must tell you, from my inward seeking, I got my answer from God as to why I was unable to become a mother. I got my answer as to my purpose. Maybe see if you can start with buying the book, Dying To Be Me.

    Sending love and hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have the book. It was not helpful for me. I never finished reading it.
      Thank you, Lori, I just think too much crap went On all at the same time. Also, I think I have not spoken about what happened. I have kept it all inside. So now I have to put it all down and let the chips fall where they may. I have no desire either to live or to keep on with the facade that all is fine. I never want to go to see a doctor but have to, to get medication. I piss them off like I did today. I really did not care. I know this is not me from before and maybe one day I will get through the anger at God, doctors, life, guilt but I will never forget. Thank you for writing.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Maybe you can talk to someone who can help you. I wish I could help but don’t know what to do. I know that anger is one of the 5 stages of grief. I’m hoping this anger and guilt agony you’re experiencing is a stage that will pass. More hugs.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I know of hospitalists and despise them. They’ve been here in NY for quite a while. They do not know you. They’re strangers who take on a case. In the good old days, your personal Dr. came to see you with directives, etc. All that has changed. Hospitalists are in charge.
    You did all you could and more. Again, your grief seems at times to be unbearable. Excuse me for saying in public but maybe your anger needs addressing by a professional, clergy, experienced friend, group, etc. Festered anger is very unhealthy.
    Your posts are very sad and I, like so many others, mourn with you.
    My grandmother lost her husband when he was 43. She also lost her son, my uncle, when he was 32.
    Life can be so unfair.
    Hang in there Linda.
    We feel for you care about you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I wrote a reply to say that most days are ok but today I went to the doctor and he got mad at me because he forgot to give me a lab slip last. Is it do I could have blood work drawn and I would not go today because I did not feel well. I had a physical. It left without being told anything. I think I really just give up on doctors period. If my friend will write my RX I am going to not ever go back.
      I am sorry for your grandmothers losses. Every day young people die. I think I could get through if I could forget this last day. I am trying to write what I remember to get it out of my system. I need to express my anger and grief to get better. Maybe I just need to make this a private blog so my friends will not know and when I am better I might write again

      Liked by 1 person

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