Yesterday was a busy day. Becoming manic on Saturday, identifying everything and whom it came from for about an hour, tired and then laughing at myself, I questioned the activity with “Does this really matter?” It seemed important. Was it really important? Therefore, I stopped and settled in for a rather nice Saturday doing my usual things of cleaning and putting things away. Target had the fleece leggings and tops I wanted to take to Boston for Thanksgiving and the days before Christmas I would be there, just in case it was cold. Sunday, I wanted to pack some more of my mother and father’s things. It is time and one of those tasks that I had been trying to get ’round to’ for a couple of years.
Today after drinking coffee and having some of those little round chocolate donuts, I turned off the T.V. I wanted to think of how my life is now and remember. The results from the PET Scan will be known before the day is over.
The questions that run through my mind range from will it make a difference in what I do? to will I be given the time to finish all these tasks I have put off doing that I want to get done? Will I have time to write that best selling novel? or that simple book of verse?
Is it important that my children know what was my mother’s? my grandmother’s? what I received at a wedding shower when I married their Dad? are those important things? I thought they were. I wanted them to know. They do not come here often, therefore, they have not lived with these things and do not know. On Sunday, while putting away my mother’s things, I felt rather wistful remembering seeing them as I grew up because Mother always used her things. Sadly, I had not always used the pretty things I had. I was saving them for what? my children? a bigger house? a special day? what?
We, their dad and I, did give parties and I used some of the things then; I broke some and have given some of the items to my son but not my daughter. She wants to wait until her new home is built; however, my son’s wife does not want anything for our home because she has her mother’s things. I hope he has a place in his home office that he can keep a few family things, if this makes him happy.
Did it make me happy to have these things? The answer is not an easy one. There were times when having not only my things but also my mother’s and grandmother’s items made the clutter overwhelming and I wanted it all packed away. Now that I am packing it away, there are these mixed feelings.
Is it because I do not know how long I will live? None of us know the answer to this. Having said this for years, I think “What a hypocrite I am.” I say these things and believe them but do I really BELIEVE them. Intellectually I do; I know that we are given a certain amount of days and then we move on to another level of being. If we have finished our tasks here on earth, then we can move to a higher level of being and not have to come back to finish up any more tasks. I always wanted to finish my tasks, so I would not have to come back, but alas, there were times when I hurt folk or did mean things and I think “Oh dear, this will come back to me and I will have to return again and do this all over…the pain of living and dying…all over again.”
No, I am not affiliated with any religious organization because I believe that those big ostentatious churches are just big business and if one does not take their God in with them they will certainly not find a God there. When pushed I say I am Catholic, but I really do not think I am. I was very disappointed in Pope Francis, in whom I had placed so much faith, with his visit to America and the choices he made; the people he decided to see and those he left out. He is another politician more frightening than the other Pope’s because he comes in sheep’s clothing, so to speak.
There are those of you who will not like my views. That is really the way it should be. If you are a thinker; if you have belief’s different from mine, this is the way America was meant to be. It is called Freedom. I am not trying to convert you to my way of thinking and am not trying to offend anyone. These are simply my views and the way I live my life. I believe in a higher being. Is it Buddha? Is it the Dali Lama? is it Jesus? For me it is all of them and none of them. It is the Universe that decides in the final analysis, so I honor each leaf, each blade of grass, each tree…ah trees I love and flowers…the animals…all the glories of this earth. Do I want to go somewhere else? That is not for me to decide. There is so much unrest and unkindness in the world today that I am hoping that the place I go to will be a kinder, gentler place with all my favorite people and animals there.
So the hours before I find out what a report states, I wonder about many things but also know that a report is simply that: a report. It does not define my way of living or the length of my days.