Existential Loneliness

Today I got up early to water the flowers. Ended up moving a gardenia bush and was muddy from head to toe. I do love to play in water and get all muddy.
Neighbor across the street offered coffee and not having had anything except my meds, I accepted.
The next neighbor out was from next door with her dog who likes to walk himself, meaning he carries his leash in his mouth and never strays from the route they travel. She takes him home and joins us on the front porch with her coffee.
By this time, I had eaten a chocolate muffin with half being smeared on my muddy shirt and the other half appeared to be on my face.
We discussed many topics. Politics was one. The next door neighbor and I are diametrically opposed in this arena but laugh about the fact.
Departing ways…one to make calls, one to have blood drawn and me to clean myself up and go to Dollar Tree for one item.
Instead I go to Belks to see a friend and to give her the four remaining free tickets to the Museum of Art which I had not given away. I had received six because of the level of membership. This friend’s husband is the a Curator and she knew folk who might want to go, which is good. She laughs at me for using the really expensive Lancone cream on my legs because it rolls up on my face. Once again she demonstrates how I am suppose to use same.
Leaving there, I did go to the Dollar Tree and that one dollar item cost $30.
Back to Steak Out for a salad and traveled to the Assisted Living place to eat with my next door neighbor. She is so happy and content there.
Came home. Put away all the little items from Dollar Tree and sat down to watch Fox News to see how the world was managing without me keeping watch.
Fell asleep and woke with this real feeling of existential loneliness. If I went outside, the neighbor would not be there; no one was due home; it was me and my thoughts and one call to make at 7. That was all there was.
It had been a good day but is this all there is from here on?
I write; I read; and lost my fervor for joining things, doing things, inventing, making new plans. I was always the leader, the thinker, the doer. And now what?
I think I am weary, and tired and perhaps a little lost today.

Have you ever felt this way?

For those who take gorgeous bright photos, here is the one where I captured a lightening bug light up. It is the smaller bright dot to the left of the larger bright dot which is a solar light. I think this is how I feel.

 

Firefly

13 thoughts on “Existential Loneliness

  1. Wow, that lightening bug sums up the feeling well. Oh yes, I have felt that lonely before, and often. I felt that way on Memorial Day this year. My neighbors had lots of cars parked in and around their driveways with family and friends pouring into their homes. It used to be that way for me where I grew up. Not anymore. Now, I felt like that firefly in the picture, watching groups of others enjoying togetherness while I blink my tiny light unnoticed. Other days I’m perfectly contented, or at least during times when we aren’t facing a challenge like the the one we are now. I don’t feel like I’m making any sense. Anyway, I do understand what you are saying. I think that sometimes we can even feel lonely in a crowd. I have been there, too.

    BTW, I miss seeing lightening bugs. We don’t have them in Florida. Good to read ya, Miss Linda. Hugs.

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    • You sum it up so exceptionally well. The same for me….it is standing outside looking in on how others live their lives. Would I change places? No, I understand my set of parameters; I would not what theirs might be.

      I love the fireflies. I am sorry you do not have any. I hope your troubles will soon be over and your lives will move forward again.
      Hugs!

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  2. (((hugs))) My mother sometimes used to say ‘I’m not alone – but I feel lonely’. When she felt like that she would sing a hymn, and it always helped. I’m just sharing that because your post brought back the memory which I had forgotten. It’s a few years now since I heard her beautiful soprano voice. She still sings – but it isn’t quite the same.

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    • It seems a good thing to do! Perhaps I will get up and play the piano because I never had a singing voice.
      Enjoy the song your mom sings now; it is so sad to see some of those abilities diminish.
      Hugs!

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  3. Hey Linda,
    I’m sorry you felt that way and I hope that’s over by now. I’ve felt the same way many times. Apparently, almost everyone has, reading the comments πŸ™‚

    First time in my life I ever saw fireflies was when we still lived in QC. I was swimming in the pool, at night, and then I saw them. I was in awe…

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    • Thanks, Rebekah….looks as if all the people here have that feeling from time to time. I am doing fine. Got busy with projects and the feeling left. I think the key is staying busy or having a goal to work toward.

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  4. Hope you’re feeling better now, Linda. You had a busy day. I had to laugh, trying to figure out what item was $30 at the dollar store! A few other items followed you home, apparently. πŸ™‚ Funny how that happens.

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