Missing Element

Memorial Chapel at the University of Maryland,...
Memorial Chapel at the University of Maryland, College Park. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Existential Loneliness has recently been linked to end of life crisis. This cannot be true, at least not for me.

In the late 1970’s a friend asked me if I ever felt existential loneliness. We were sitting on the steps of a university in Maryland. I replied that I had and knew not how to explain this feeling. It was as if something somewhere was missing from my life. I knew not how to find this missing element.

He was part of what was missing but would not be a part of my everyday life in this lifetime; maybe another, we both agreed time and again. I doubt his perceptions of those days are the same as mine.

Sundays are the days I feel this most. This also goes back to the time after my divorce and my ex would take the children on Sunday to eat. They called themselves “The Sunday Children”.

This also caused existential pain knowing that my children would not know their father. What had I done or not done to visit this on my children? I knew part of the answer, not all.

I love the earth; I will miss the sounds of car wheels on pavement; the smell of rain; blue skies after clouds have scudded past; dried corn fields; tree frogs heralding the end of summer; white starched shirts; the faces of those I have loved and lost; the faces of those I love.

I will miss the blogging friends; the graduate colleagues; the professors; the sounds of many footsteps passing down the halls of academia; the hotdogs at ballgames while sitting on hard stadium seats.

I will miss the crumbling remnants of houses that once held dreams for those who lived there. Where did they go? How did the dreams end?

I will miss the furry animals; the winter snows; the spring blossoms; the fall leaves. I will miss the fires and the smell of wood smoke.

Yes, I will miss this earth but also I know that there will be so much more to love when I make that final journey and cross over to what lies beyond.

How does this relate to Existential Loneliness…I think that knowing all my life that at the end of life I still would not know makes me more sensitive to the smallest details of life as I realize it every every minute.

 

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7 thoughts on “Missing Element”

  1. “How does this relate to Existential Loneliness…I think that knowing all my life that at the end of life I still would not know makes me more sensitive to the smallest details of life as I realize it every every minute.” -PurpleBorough

    That sums it up pretty well, well said, thank you for sharing this. 🙂

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  3. Linda, I have felt this emptiness inside most of my life–that existential emptiness–and have felt deep fear of it. Only in the last year or so (after a spiritual search since 1986, if not earlier, and ten recent years of meditation) did something shift to actually allow me to surrender in the emptiness, to sit in it, to relax in it and discover that the emptiness was not something to be feared, but filled with life and love and joy and everything. Still, sometimes, I forget and move away from the emptiness, thinking it’s still something to fear.

    Thank you for sharing this. It is raw and moving and beautiful and points back to the sacred moment, all we really have.

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    1. Kathy, thank you for your too kind comments. I, too, moved through phases of seeking to fill this void. After years of searching, beginning in the mid 1970’s when I was writing my master’s thesis, for this elusive thing called “soul”., I found that it is not to be defined but lived in each moment of living to the very best of my abilities; by reaching out; by telling the harsh, honest truth, or my perception of my truth, by building a bridge across the divide for others who may wish to follow. Thank you for your visits and your insightful comments.

      Hope Barry is mending nicely.

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